The Lovelee thing about Parenting: “I want my kids to grow into adults who don’t need therapy because of how I raised them”
If parenting were a job, experience wouldn’t guarantee success. Despite efforts to improve, unexpected challenges always arise and catch you off guard with spanners thrown in the work. Just when you think you’ve handled the tantrums of the terrible twos, they become real teenagers and you are one step away from letting your precious kids loose into the big, bad world, and hope you did your best to equip them with tools not only to survive but to thrive.
Let’s Xplore my parenting journey so far…
How important is being a mother to you?
Growing up, becoming a mother was not one of my goals. During that era, it was expected that girls would become wives and moms. I got more praise for cooking, cleaning, and looking after my siblings than for academics and sports achievements. But parenting wasn’t in my heart. Women often get judged for not wanting to have and nurture children, and I might open myself up to scrutiny for saying this.
I became a mother because I chose to be with a man who wanted kids. In pre-marital counseling, we discussed children, and it wasn’t a deal breaker for me. Even though I wasn’t very enthusiastic, I wasn’t against it either. Once I decided to be a mother, I gave it my all.
The day I discovered I was pregnant with my first child, my maternal instincts took over and have been with me ever since. I take motherhood very seriously. Raising the souls that came through me to become wholesome humans who realise their potential, fulfill their dreams, and positively contribute to society is a responsibility I hold dear.
When did you decide to become a mom?
I had my first child, a daughter, at almost 27. I had been married for 3 years and agreed to start a family, although I preferred to wait until I completed my Master’s in Forensic Medicine. The father of my kids convinced me to start sooner. I wanted to have my kids close together, so I could move on to other goals. My son was born 2 years later.
How does parenting intersect with your career and other aspects of your life?
In my early years of motherhood, I fell into many traps. I suffered from “working-mom guilt” and “supermom syndrome.” I wanted to be present for my kids while also needing to work. I tried working half days to balance both, taking them to activities in the afternoons. Eventually, I was overwhelmed and had to make tough choices. I stopped my Master’s degree, choosing motherhood over my career. Although it was a difficult decision, I chose to be content with it to avoid the guilt of dropping out of my post-graduate degree.
Mothers tend to lose themselves in their children’s lives. Has this happened to you?
In the beginning, I lost myself in motherhood. I wanted to do everything with my kids and protect them from the world. However after my second child was born, I felt overwhelmed trying to meet the needs of both while working. I got an au pair to help with my first child so I could focus on the baby. I was overwhelmed by the need to be a perfect mom. I had to learn to set boundaries and accept help. Letting others help didn’t mean I was a bad mother. It gave my kids different perspectives and enriched their experiences.
What is your approach to parenting?
I am mostly conscious of my parenting ways and choices. As I evolve and learn about my own blindspots and shortcomings, I reflect on how they impact my children. I once told them that we are all raising each other. Their presence made me grow up faster and adapt, which is how they helped raise me. I make an effort to have open conversations with my kids and not treat them as if they should be seen and not heard. I want my kids to grow into adults who don’t need therapy because of how I raised them.
Have you ever managed to strike a balance between being a mother and your career?
There is no manual on how best to “balance” life, parenting, and one’s career. The only balance I’ve achieved is having realistic expectations for myself, not what’s typically defined as work-life balance. The only time I’m not thinking about my kids or on high alert is when I’m sleeping, and even then, I sometimes dream about them.
My balance is being fully present wherever I am. I choose quality over quantity of time with my kids. I’d rather spend focused time with them than just be around them daily. My kids are older now and more independent. I see them daily, wake them up, check in when I get home, and we chat or call during the day.
For important matters like school, activities, or family issues, we set specific times to talk so we can be fully present. Sometimes it’s spontaneous, like asking how their day was and noticing a mood change. We’ve agreed to set dates and times for serious discussions to ensure we’re all ready to listen and talk.
As a doctor and medical advisor what is your advice to parents who are overwhelmed by their parenting role?
Navigating the ups and downs of parenting, from sleep routines to introducing solids, can feel like wading through a sea of advice. With so many voices chiming in, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. My advice? Keep it simple. Trust your instincts, filter out the noise, and do what feels right for you and your family.
Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes and feel overwhelmed. Perfect parenting doesn’t exist, so cut yourself some slack and focus on doing your best.
